Listen to the Radio
by Splash of Blue
Summary: My first song fic. Severus Snape thinks about way back when....


Listen to the Radio  
  
My first and probably last Snapey angst fic. I don't really like the guy (Fred and George rock FOREVER, Hazel), but I was listening to the song, then thought of this plotline and just had to do it. The song, by the way, is 'Radio' by The Corrs, one of my all time favourite bands. Several of their songs really lend themselves to angst stories, so I'll probably do another soon. Maybe something with the two 'true' Marauders... no gay stories though. We'll see....  
The story is set in Book 4, after Snape had that run-in with Filch and Moody and Harry dropped his golden egg.   
  
Going back to the private rooms where I sleep, at the dead of night. Potter MUST have been at the bottom of that whole egg thing, but as always I can't prove it. I can't work out how I feel about that boy. I hate him for his father, but then I love him for his mother.  
I can't look him in the eyes. They are hers, and if I did I know I'd do something stupid. So I hate him, because when I see him I see James. James, the one who took her away from me. James, the one who saved my life, so, so long ago. James, my greatest rival.  
It's late at night,   
I'm feeling down,   
Couples are standing on the streets sharing summer kisses and silly sounds  
So I step inside,   
Pour a glass of wine,   
With a full glass and an empty heart I search for something to occupy my mind  
I look out the window. Teens are paired up in the grounds outside, some are laughing and smiling, others are kissing and hugging. Was I ever like that? Yes, I was, once. Back when I thought she loved me...  
'Cause you are in my head,  
Swimming forever in my head  
Tangled in my dreams,  
Swimming forever.....  
There's a crackle and the ancient, decrepit radio in the corner flickers into life- a Muggle frequency, by the sound of it. I move to switch it off, but then on comes the chorus and I recognise the song. It was one of her favourites....  
So listen to the radio,  
And all the songs we used to kno-o-ow  
So listen to the radio,  
Remember where we used to go-oh  
The female voice singing lead is beautiful, ethereal almost, and it reminds me of her. Without knowing it, I'm singing along. Funny really, the lyrics sound just like my life. Time for bed.... I drift off to sleep with the song still playing softly. That night, just like every other night, I dream of Lily.  
~*~  
Now it's morning light,  
And it's cold outside,  
Caught up in a distant dream I turn and think that you are by my side  
So I leave my bed,   
And I try to dress,  
Wondering why my mind plays tricks and fools me into thinking you are there  
I wake up and, just for a moment, I think she's there. I thought I could see her, just out of the corner of my eye, waist length red hair falling into her sparkling emerald eyes. I could lose myself in those eyes, drowning, but uncaring. And yet, it's my fault she isn't. Why she isn't there, I mean. After all, how could she love the darkness? And darkness was what I had become. Darkness is what I am now.... A phrase floats into my head. 'Many Shades of Darkness'. Though I purport to be a lightsider, I'm still darkness, really. Just a lighter shade of darkness, that's all....  
But you're still in my head,  
Swimming forever in my head,  
Not lying in my bed,  
Just swimming forever....  
All day, she's in my head. I'm thinking of her at breakfast in the Great Hall, never minding what I eat, ignoring Professor Sinistra as she tries to make some sort of conversation. I'm thinking of her first lesson, in the Potions class with third year Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs. I'm thinking of her in the Potions class I have with the fourth Gryffindors and Slytherins. I let Malfoy get away with even more than usual, simply because it's easier that way. Somewhere, I can hear James' old friend, Sirius, as he was at fifteen, saying, "Boy, does he need a hobby!"   
I smile faintly at the memory. I must really be losing my grip, smiling at something of Sirius'. It feels strange, smiling. Unnatural, almost, as though I'd forgotten how to. I'm humming that song from last night again.  
So listen to the radio,  
And all the songs we used to kno-o-ow  
So listen to the radio,  
Remember where we used to go-oh  
So listen to the radio,  
And all the songs we used to kno-o-ow  
So listen to the radio,  
Remember where we used to go-oh  
  
You are in my head,  
Swimming forever....  
I'll never change, but for a moment, it seems strange, letting myself fall to pieces the way that I have. She'd never recognise me now, greasy hair falling into my eyes, rarely if ever smiling. I never wash my hair properly, just a quick dowsing with icy water, to conform. After all, what's the point? Even if I found someone to impress, the way I always wanted to impress her, I could never let myself get involved. Not because I wouldn't want to, but because whoever it was would be in danger if did. The dark side is gathering strength, everyone can see that. Everyone with a Mark like mine. Igor was right, there. But there's no point in fleeing. The Dark Lord will find me in the end, and when he does he'll slaughter everyone close to me before he kills me, just as an extra torment for me. I could never forgive myself if someone else died, because of me. That song's fallen into my head again.  
'Cause you are in my head,  
Swimming forever in my head  
Tangled in my dreams,  
Swimming forever.....  
After dinner, I go back to my private rooms upstairs. For some reason, the radio flickers into life once more. The same band as last night, I think. Yes- the same song, too. Something funny's going on at that radio station...  
I wonder, if I washed my hair, and changed my robes, what effect it would have on everyone else? They probably wouldn't recognise me. I wonder what life would be like without the waves of hostility that follow me everywhere? Maybe it's time to find out. In the shower, the water cascades down, and, just for a little while, it washes all my fears and worries away, along with the dirt and grime. I see Lily in front of me, firey red ringlets tumbling into her eyes like always. "Goodbye Severus," she whispers, and vanishes. I hear the last words of the song fading out, and I sing along, not just humming this time.  
So listen to the radio,  
And all the songs we used to kno-o-ow  
So listen to the radio,  
Remember where we used to go  
I listen to the radio,  
To all the songs we used to kno-o-ow  
I listen to the radio,  
To all the songs, all the songs we used to know....  
  
Yeah  
  
All the songs we used to know... 


End file.
